Episode 4 - Impact

Dr. Good Vibes contains strong language, adult themes, and depictions of high impact sex and or violence. This podcast is recommended for mature audiences. Listener discretion is advised.

Hal: Hello? Hello?

Alana?

 (Muffled screaming) 

Hal: Alana! 

 (Door rattling) 

Hal: Alana! 

Alana!

Alana?

 (Door opens) 

Hal: Mick? 

 (Choking sounds) 

Hal: Ah! Ah! Huh?

Hal: Hell, hell, hell, hell. 

Gemma: Hal! There you are! 

Hal: Gemma! Hey! Good to see you! How was your, uh, uh, How was your weekend? 

Gemma: Honestly, pretty standard. Soccer, judo, swimming, and rhythmic gymnastics. 

Hal: Wow, you are quite the athlete. 

Gemma: Sadly relegated to the sidelines. But, how are you? I heard you made a bit of a mess in the studio on Friday.

Hal: Ah, right, uh, Yes, I was going to come and talk to you about that. 

Gemma: Katie was saying that your chair broke in the middle of a segment and you basically flipped the entire recording desk when you went down. Wow. 

Hal: Did she? 

Gemma: You seem okay. Were you hurt at all? Even if you feel alright, you should probably file an accident report.

Hal: Oh, uh, no, no, I'm, I'm good. Just, um, just, just property damage. No, no injuries. 

Gemma: Well, look, we had the team in over the weekend, so it should be all ship shape in there if you're recording today. 

Hal: Great. 

Gemma: I'm glad. Sorry again about the chair. We've been meaning to do a refresh. 

Hal: No, uh Uh, no problem. If, um 

Gemma: Sorry. I have to take this.

Hal: Sure. Yep. No problem. Gemma 

Gemma: Gutierrez? Cassie! Hi. Okay. Give me two seconds. Alright. I'll see you later. Keep up the good work. I'm on my way right now. 

Noah: Oh.

Hi Hal. 

Katie: Morning. 

Hal: Noah. Katie. What's, uh, what's he doing in your chair? Also, what are you doing in my chair? 

Katie: Oh, um, we're Just showing him the ropes at the producer's desk. That's all for today, Noah. The doctor is in. 

Noah: Sure. No worries.

Oh, sorry. I brought a lot of stuff. 

Katie: It's fine. 

Hal: Take your time.

Noah: Got it. I'll see you later. 

Katie: Later. 

Noah: Bye, Hal. 

Hal: Yep. 

He's a good kid. 

Katie: Is that you dismissing a potential romantic partner by using infantilizing language? 

Hal: What? No. You've been listening to too much 

Katie: You? 

Hal: Yeah. So I Bumped into Gemma in the hallway. 

Katie: And how is our glorious head of production? 

Hal: Oh, she's good. 

Katie: Good? 

Hal: She mentioned my Chair accident.

Katie: Ah. 

Hal: Yeah. 

Katie: Well, I Figured a bunch of the stuff needed replacing, so

Hal: You didn't You know you didn't have to cover for me. 

Katie: I know. 

Hal: I was ready to take the heat with Gemma or whoever. 

Katie: I know. 

Hal: I was out of line. 

Katie: I know. 

Hal: I'm sorry. 

Katie: Yeah, I know. 

Hal: Well, they did a good job anyway. This, uh, this mic stand is fancy. 

Katie: It's the new model. 

Hal: Huh. Maybe I should destroy the studio more often. Too soon?

Katie: Too soon. 

Hal: Yeah, I, uh, I felt it. 

Katie: Do you want to talk about it? 

Hal: Katie. 

Katie: Okay, okay, I thought I'd just ask. You look like shit. 

Hal: Thanks. 

Katie: Seriously. 

Hal: Again, thanks. 

Katie: Big weekend? 

Hal: No, just haven't really been sleeping. But don't worry about me. I have had four coffees and a sugar free energy drink. 

Katie: Well, at least it was sugar free.

Hal: Did you, uh Did you prep for this morning? I kind of thought I was going to be in with HR for all day. So I, I haven't really got anything. 

Katie: No, not yet. I was busy with Noah. I could put some stuff together for this afternoon if you're feeling up to it. Intro's done, but we could finish up the rest of the quickies.

Hal: Easy. Sounds good. Do you mind if I skip out while you're doing all that? Now that I know I'm not getting fired, I've got to make some phone calls. 

Katie: Anything we can record? That Alana call was a complete write off and not just because of... well, you know, but I looked up the address she gave us and it's a warehouse that sells bulk candy direct to consumer.

Not sure we could even technically broadcast the call we already did. I'll have to check with legal. 

Hal: Right. Well, uh, No, sadly, just some personal stuff. Let my agent know that the checks are gonna keep coming. 

Katie: No problem. You gonna do it in here? 

Hal: Nah, I'll, uh, I'll grab a meeting room. Just message me if you need anything, alright?

Katie: Cool, cool. 

Hal: See ya.

Katie: What are you up to, Hal?

Hal: Okay.

God, this fucking app. Close. Close. Don't show notifications. 

Christine: Hello? 

Hal: Ah, hoi there. This is Seamus O'Haypenny calling from First National Savings and Loan. I'm looking for Miss Alana Sims. 

Christine: I'm sorry, Alana doesn't live here anymore. Where did you say you were calling from? 

Hal: First National Savings and Loan, ma'am.

I'm calling in regards to a closed account with, uh, outstanding credit. 

Christine: Right. Credit meaning? 

Hal: Oh, well, basically we owe her some money. The bank is doing an audit, so we're contacting a lot of our previous customers. It may have been a few years since you had an account with us. 

Christine: Right. Well, look, like I said, Alana hasn't lived here for a while now.

Hal: Hey, look, that's no problem. Happens all the time with these old accounts. Uh, do you happen to have a forwarding address or contact number where we may be able to reach her? 

Christine: No, not really. She moved to Japan a few years ago, and Don't exactly keep in touch except on Facebook. Can I get her to call you? 

Hal: Uh, yeah, sure.

Just, uh, tell her to call the main line. They'll be able to sort it out for her. 

Christine: And what was your name again? 

Hal: Seamus. Seamus O'Heapenny. Thanks for your help. 

Christine: Sure, not, not a worry. Bye. 

Hal: Bye. 

Yeah, alright, Katie, I'm coming.

Hey, uh, got your text. 

Katie: Mic's ready if you are. 

Hal: Well then.

Alright. What are we doing? 

Katie: I've got two more quickies for you. We can pick up the rest of next week's show after lunch. 

Hal: Great. Cannot wait. 

Katie: We're picking up mid segment, ask me for it. 

Hal: Alright, Nurse Katie, who's got our next quickie? 

Katie: We've got Paul from Hertford upon Thames in the UK. 

Hal: Classy. 

Katie: Very. He says, Good morning, Doctor.

Hope this email finds you well. This is kind of an embarrassing question, but I'm just going to cut to the chase. 

Hal: Please do. 

Katie: My wife recently bought a new toy, not uncommon in our house, but this particular item, the Womanizer, is causing a bit of tension. The first time she used it, she basically put herself into a coma and somehow kicked both lamps off the bedside tables.

So safe to say, it's getting a lot of use. It's not like she's using it an uncomfortable amount or anything, but she popped it out when we were in bed together the other night, and to be honest, watching the effect it had on her, it's given me a slight inferiority complex. I don't know how or if to bring it up with her.

How do I deal with this? Any help you can offer would be much appreciated. Warmest regards, Paul. 

Hal: Ah, warmest regards. I do so miss proper mail etiquette. Thank you, Paul. I am aware of this particular toy and the rave reviews it has garnered. But, before we get into the messy details, I think we need to have a history lesson.

Katie, are you familiar with the story of John Henry? 

Katie: Of course. 

Hal: For any of our listeners who aren't, John Henry is a folk hero of the pre industrial age. One fateful day, while working on the railroad, he famously declared he could drill more rock with his hammer than a steam powered machine designed for that singular purpose.

To that end, he challenged the machine to a test of steel driving speed. And, while he was victorious, he supposedly died after claiming his victory. With his hammer in his hand. A Pyrrhic victory by any measure. Immortalized in song by the likes of Leadbelly, Woody Guthrie, and Bruce Springsteen. 

Katie: And Johnny Cash.

Hal: Yes, though Johnny Cash's version was oddly preoccupied with how handsome John Henry was. 

Now, while the veracity of this tale is debated, there is a lesson here. You are not John Henry. You are also not a lithium ion powered, clit sucking vibrator capable of 40, 000 nerve electrifying pulses per minute.

Nor can you be, as there is no equivalent human physiology that can simulate the specific air pressure manipulation that this particular toy utilizes. But, by contrast, there is no attachment that will allow that machine to cook a meal, mow the lawn, take the bin out, hug, kiss, or talk with your wife about her day.

No matter how complex the advances in high powered vacuum nozzles, there is no perfectly engineered piece of plastic. that can supplant you as a partner, lover, or friend. If you place yourself in direct competition with one, and it is your choice whether to do so, you reduce yourself in all your wondrous complexity to your ability to directly stimulate a clitoris. And when compared to a piece of hardware designed for this specific purpose, you will likely be found wanting. But, luckily, you're more than that, and you always will be. 

Speech over. Really, you should use the toy. Incorporate it into your love makery. And use it like the tool that it is. That way everybody wins.

And if you're impressed with how well it works now, I promise it'll work even better in your hands. Warmest regards, Dr. Good Vibes. 

Katie: Thanks for your email, Paul. We've got one more quickie, Doctor, if you're feeling up to it. 

Hal: Yeah, I, uh, I might need a sports drink and a lie down after, but I think I've got enough left in the tank for one more.

Katie: Great. Our last quickie comes from Kaitlyn. She's a podcast producer with a question about her boss. 

Hal: Okay. 

Katie: She says, Hi Doctor, my boss received a very troubling phone call from a girl pretending to be his ex girlfriend. I'm worried he's headed towards a full mental breakdown, but he's not the kind of person to readily share information about his past, or spill his secrets.

How can I get him to open up to me? 

Hal: Katie. 

Katie: Ah, ah ah, I'm not done. Love, Caitlin. 

Hal: Seriously? 

Katie: Seriously. 

Hal: Well, my initial advice to Caitlin would be to keep your professional relationships professional. And not dig too deep into your co workers private lives, lest you find out something unpleasant, or put the relationship at risk.

Katie: And if she's not capable of doing that? 

Hal: Well, that sounds like a deep seated psychological issue that she should deal with on her own time. Perhaps with intense and sustained cognitive behavioral therapy. 

Katie: That's rude. 

Hal: Hey. There's no shame in seeking medical assistance, you know, from an actual doctor. 

Katie: Who do you think actually called you?

Hal: Oh, so we're just pretending that I've agreed to talk about this? 

Katie: We are. So who do you think it is? 

Hal: I have no idea, but they clearly know Alana based on how specific they were able to get about 

Katie: You and her. 

Hal: Yeah. You're not recording this, are you? 

Katie: No, I paused it. 

Hal: Okay. 

Katie: Have you tried to call her? 

Hal: Who? 

Katie: Alana.

Hal: No. Uh, no. I, um, heard she moved to Japan a while ago, so I don't really know how to get in touch with her. 

Katie: Have you tried? 

Hal: No. Not yet. 

Katie: You think she, what, she found out you have a podcast and got one of her friends to call up and mess with you? That seems kind of petty fifteen years after the fact. 

Hal: Yeah, it is a bit, but that's about my best guess at the moment.

Katie: What do you think she wants? 

Hal: Revenge? 

Katie: Revenge is a phase teenage girls usually grow out of. 

Hal: Well, uh, maybe she grew up into a healthy, well adjusted adult with a side interest in revenge. 

Katie: Ah, the dream. 

So what are you gonna do? 

Hal: Nothing. 

Katie: Nothing? 

Hal: Not a thing. 

Katie: Really? 

Hal: What can I do? Call her mum's place and pretend I'm some bank employee trying to get in touch with her about an outstanding account balance?

If she wants a rise out of me, that would be playing right into her hands. 

Katie: That seems overly complicated. And weirdly specific. Especially when you could just stalk her on Facebook. 

Hal: Hard pass. 

Katie: It's easy, you've just got to get your privacy settings right. I can show you how if you want. 

Hal: You are a.... Bad influence, Katie.

Katie: Don't fear the steam engine, Hal. It's a brave new world. 

Hal: Yeah, good callback. Seriously though, I'm just gonna leave it alone. Nothing good can come of pulling at this thread. But I am finding it oddly reassuring that at least now I'm 99 percent sure what the hell is going on. 

Katie: Sure, I understand. There's just one thing I don't get.

Hal: Yeah? 

Katie: What was with all the Ruby Amal stuff? That felt really, again, specific. 

Hal: Oh. 

Katie: Was it? Yes, Hal. It was. 

Hal: Stop looking at me like that. 

Katie: Like what? 

Hal: Like a policeman. Or my mother when she found my dirty magazines. 

Katie: Did that really happen? 

Hal: No. I'm 31. I've never owned a dirty magazine. I've never owned a magazine.

She did learn how to look at an internet browser history before I learned how to clear one. 

Katie: Ouch. 

Hal: Yeah. She didn't even confront me about it. She just left it open on the computer for me to find. 

Katie: Wow. 

Hal: Not much for confrontation, my mother. Same thing happened when she found the box of cheaply made entry level bondage gear I bought online under my bed. I assume. 

It was just gone one day. But I knew better than to ask her about it. 

Katie: You're changing the subject. 

Hal: Am I? 

Katie: Yes. Trying to lure me in with juicy stories of your adolescent traumas, but it's not going to work. 

Hal: It looked like it was working. 

Katie: Hal. Who is Ruby Amal? 

Hal: Okay, so, there was this girl. 

Katie: I knew it!

You cheated on her! God, no wonder she was so mad at you. 

Hal: No, I didn't cheat on her! Alright, Jumpy. 

Katie: Jumpy? 

Hal: Jumpy the kangaroo. 

Katie: What? 

Hal: Yes. He's always jumping to conclusions? Okay, not a thing at your school, then. 

Katie: No. 

Hal: Ruby Amal was in my, she was a few years below me at school. I think she had a little crush on me.

But nothing ever happened. 

Katie: Seriously? 

Hal: Seriously. Nothing. She was too young, and she only told me after Alana and I had broken up, and I wasn't, I wasn't into it. 

Katie: And What you think Alana heard about it? 

Hal: Maybe? Probably, yeah, that's probably it. 

Katie: So why didn't you just say that? 

Hal: I don't know. I guess I wasn't sure.

I thought it was just a coincidence. 

Katie: That would be a hell of a coincidence. It's not exactly the most common name. 

Hal: Yeah, it does seem like a long shot when you put it that way. 

Katie: The longest shot. 

Hal: Yes. 

Katie: Just so I understand, the reason you thought she had a crush on you is because she told you she had a crush on you?

Hal: Seemed like a pretty clear indicator. 

Katie: Good to know you were just as perceptive as an adolescent. 

Hal: Right. Well, are you actually planning on using this as a quickie or is there a real one? 

Katie: Nah, we've got everything we need. 

Hal: Not bad for a day's work. 

Katie: Half day. 

Hal: Even more not bad for a half day's work. 

Katie: Wrap the segment and we'll call it.

Hal: Right. And that's the last of our quickies for today. And a reminder that if you have any questions, big or small for me, Dr. Good vibes, it's as easy as emailing Dr good vibes@jawbonenetwork.com. That's Dr. Good vibes@jawbonenetwork.com. Or you could submit your question on the web through our website, for which the links can be found on our social.

 (Knocking) 

Hal: Oh, come on. 

Katie: who is that? 

Hal: It's Noah. Come in. Come, come, stop waving, come in. 

Noah: Hey hal, um, there's some, uh, people here to see you. 

Hal: Well that's vague enough to be unsettling. 

Katie: Send them in. 

Hal: What? 

Katie: What? 

Noah: Oh no, um, I thought you might want to come out to talk to them. 

Hal: No, it's fine, send them in, I guess. 

Noah: You sure? 

Hal: Yeah, I'm sure.

Noah: Okay. 

Hal: Sorry, why can't I go outside? 

Katie: I mean, you can, but you were kind of on a roll there. I don't want anything to interrupt the flow. 

Hal: Okay.

Milton: Hello? Hal Kitchener? Yes? 

Callaway: I'm Special Agent Calloway and this is Special Agent Milton. We're with the FBI's Violent Crimes Division. 

Hal: Okay. How can I help you? 

Milton: We're investigating a tip we received related to a closed case. Any idea what we might be talking about? 

Hal: No. 

Callaway: Anyway, we'd like to ask you a few questions and maybe grab a DNA sample, if you'll consent to that.

Hal: Uh, we're uh, kind of in the middle of recording an episode right now. Could I um, could we, another time? Maybe? Possibly? 

Callaway: Would you be available to come down to the office today? 

Hal: Uh, Katie? 

Callaway: Sure, we can pick up later. 

Hal: Great. 

Milton: Great, we can head over right now. Come on then.

Hal: Good. Yeah. Katie, I'll, uh, see you this afternoon, I guess.

Milton: Probably tomorrow more likely. 

Hal: Right. Tomorrow then.

Noah: Katie? 

Katie: Yeah? 

Noah: Did Hal just get arrested? 

Katie: Maybe. Who knows. They said they just want to ask him some questions. 

Noah: What about? 

Katie: They didn't say. 

Noah: Wow. I wonder what's going on. 

Katie: Yeah, me too.

Next time on Dr. Good Vibes. 

Callaway: Do you recognize the person in this photograph? 

Hal: Yes. 

Callaway: Do you remember what happened to her? 

Hal: Yes. She was killed. Murdered. When I was a kid. 

Callaway: And finally, do you recall the name of the person who was eventually convicted of that murder? 

Hal: Wait. Someone told you I had something to do with... with this?

Dr. Good Vibes is a Neon Diner production. Written, produced, and directed by Richard P. Doyle. Editing and sound design by Ramon Samson. It features the vocal talents of Richard P. Doyle, Rachel Slee, Jonah Maronen, Kate Ingram, Alex Gonzalez, Liz Bolster, Aaron Landy, Nat Jensen. Full credits can be found in the show notes.

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