Episode 1 - The Scene

Dr. Good Vibes contains strong language, adult themes, and depictions of high impact sex and or violence. This podcast is recommended for mature audiences. Listener discretion is advised.

Announcer: This is the late shift with Dr. Good vibes on the Jawbone podcast network. If you're listening to this, it's probably time to go to bed, but definitely not time to go to sleep. 

Hal: Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. This is, still, the Late Shift with Dr. Good Vibes. Still, the home of the most rich, baritonially delivered advice on love, sex, and dating, on the Jawbone or any other podcast network.

I am, of course, Dr. Good Vibes. And I believe we have time for a couple more listener questions before we wrap up this week's episode. Nurse Katie, have you got another lovelorn patient on the line? 

Katie: Of course, Doctor, though I am pretty sure it's actually baritonally. 

Hal: Good catch. That makes a lot more sense grammatically. Whatever would I do without you? Now, tell me about our caller. 

Katie: Chet is 24, mask presenting, non binary, pansexual, who has exclusively dated male identifying partners since becoming sexually active in their mid teens. However, recently, they've taken an interest in a cis gendered female coworker, and a mutual attraction has formed.

Hal: Love that for them. 

Katie: Chet is in a romantically exclusive, sexually open situation with their partner, Oscar, of four years. But, though Oscar is aware of Chet's pansexuality, he is himself, and I'm quoting here, a proud gold star gay, and all previous negotiations to establish the boundaries of their arrangement have centered around additional male partners, both on an individual and shared basis.

Chet wants to know, is there a need to reestablish the rules, and how best to approach this conversation? Pronouns are he/they. Chet, you're on with the doctor. 

Hal: How is it going? 

Chet: Hey, daddy. 

Hal: Already I can see how you've gotten yourself in trouble here. You are a flirt. 

Katie: He's blushing. 

Chet: (Laughter) 

Sorry. I always wanted to do that.

Hal: Not sure how I feel about you two teaming up against me on my own show, but I think it's important for our listeners to be aware that you can be a mature, educated, fully grown man, As centered and woke as any other podcast host, but when someone calls you daddy, honestly, it turns out you're just as basic as anyone out there.

It's a visceral response. Which is, I imagine, why you all keep doing it., Now, Chet, let's focus on you. I assume you emailed Katie because you need my help. 

Chet: I mean, yeah. 

Hal: Tell me about your boyfriend. 

Chet: Fiancé, actually. 

Hal: Oh, fiancé. Come on, Katie, it's not like you to miss a detail like that. 

Katie: I'm pretty sure that wasn't in the email. 

Chet: Oh, no, no, it's okay, it's only been like three months.

Hal: Your fiancé? 

Chet: Rudy. Shit, sorry, I'm not supposed to say his name. Um 

Katie: It's okay, we'll just edit it out. Go again, but use the fake name. 

Chet: Sorry, okay, my fiancé's name is Oscar. 

Hal: Tell me about him. 

Chet: Uh, okay, sure. He's, uh, he's a grad student, and he works in as a research assistant for a company that makes vegan charcuterie.

Katie: Man's doing God's work. 

Hal: Vegan salami is an affront to God, Katie. What else? 

Chet: Uh, he's cute. 

Hal: Lucky. 

Katie: Very lucky. 

Chet: Well, yeah, I mean, um, He's shorter than me, which I like. His hair always looks amazing, even straight out of the shower. And, he learned how to cook my mum's bolognese, and he worked out how to do a vegetarian version, which is, honestly, 99 percent as good.

And it's something that she flat out refused to do. 

Hal: How did you propose to him? 

Chet: Ah, well, wait. How did you know that I proposed? 

Hal: Just a hunch. Keep going. 

Chet: Um, well, it was kind of by accident. Oh, I love these. We were walking home after dinner, like two weeks after our anniversary, which we both forgot about until we were already at the restaurant, and we cut across this park near our apartment.

We decided to take the long way around along the edge of the lake. 

Katie: Cute. 

Hal: A strong start. 

Chet: No, no, no, there was this, there was this guy, uh, pooping in a box on the path we would normally take. So, uh 

Katie: Oh, not cute. 

Chet: No, not really. So, we were walking around the, um, the lake and the fountains were off. And there were no yelling parents, no sunbathing backpackers, no Bluetooth speakers.

And it was just Quiet and still and the whole lake was calm and smooth and we just kind of stopped walking and stood there. 

Hal: You spend a lot of time at the park together? 

Chet: No no oh god no no not really it's always packed and and loud and there's oh there's kids running everywhere and telling anyone who passes to do fortnight dances yeah but then at that moment it was yeah it was really nice.

Hal: What about the ring? 

Chet: What? 

Hal: You just. Happen to have a ring on you? 

Chet: Oh, no, no, no. Um, I just, I took off one of my rings. One of the rings I normally wear. 

Katie: Aw. 

Chet: Yeah, the biggest one. The one that costs the most. 

Katie: Aw. 

Hal: That's a sweet story. 

Chet: Yeah, thanks. I mean, yeah. Yeah, it was kind of an incredible night. 

Hal: It really sounds like it.

So, tell me about this girl. 

Chet: Who? 

Hal: The one you work with. 

Chet: Oh, oh, uh, yeah, um, she, she, 

Hal: maybe let's start with her name. 

Chet: Stella. 

Hal: Okay. Is there anything else we need to know about her? 

Chet: Yeah, I mean, uh, she has brown hair. 

Katie: He needs to use the fake name. 

Hal: Chet, say Julie. 

Chet: Julie. 

Katie: Thank you. 

Hal: Chet, I'm gonna say some stuff to you now.

Chet: Uh, okay. 

Hal: Okay. If you feel the need to explore the parts of your sexual identity that have languished or gone unrealized for the sake of your perception of yourself, or simply to ensure that no avenue of pleasure available to you in this brief existence goes unexplored, I unreservedly encourage you to do so.

I'm sure that would not surprise any of our regular listeners. 

Katie: You are always saying that. 

Chet: That's true. 

Hal: However. 

Chet: Ah. 

Katie: Here it comes. 

Hal: I think you know that surprise, in any area of a relationship where mutual consent can only be considered implied, is likely to end in mutual tears. Oscar understands that you are, to date, an entirely secular pansexual, and that you both have an established non monogamous status quo.

If it has not been specifically excluded, it could be reasonably inferred that Oscar understands that you may seek out the carnal companionship of a woman under the auspices of that arrangement, and can only be so surprised should it occur. A fair interpretation, yes? 

Chet: Yes. 

Hal: Now imagine saying that to Oscar.

Word for word. After the fact. How does he react? 

Chet: Not well. 

Hal: No, I wouldn't think so. My advice, and I'm gonna sound like a broken record here, Talk to Oscar. Tell him how you're feeling, before you do anything that can't be undone. There's a whole additional can of worms to be opened here on the predilection toward buy and pan erasure from members of the community who use terms like Gold Star Gay.

But, I'm not going to lambast a man I don't know over a hitherto imagined slight in response to a theoretical situation. You've been together four years. You, or at least part of you, knows where your shared line is. 

Chet: Yeah, I suppose that's true. 

Hal: But, before you do that, I want to add a small caveat, something you need to do first.

Chet: Uh oh. 

Hal: Yeah. 

Katie: Deep breaths, Chet, try to relax into it. 

Hal: It's not gonna be that rough. I just, considering the timing of the situation, want you to ask yourself if, even though the park seems more familiar when it is filled with noise and chaos, with screaming children and errant frisbees, that a moment of shared tranquility in a place you thought you might never find it is so foreign, So strange that it is easier to undermine it than understand it. 

Just run a quick check in with yourself. Make sure that you aren't seeking comfort in the normalcy of discomfort. It might seem like everything is so aligned and peaceful, even perfect, right now that it can't be trusted. But remember, even if you can't see him from where you're standing, there is a guy shitting in a cardboard box less than 30 feet away.

Always. 

Chet: Wow. Read for filth. 

Hal: I assure you that was not my intention. Thanks for coming on the podcast, Chet. 

Chet: Thank you, Doctor. 

Hal: You're welcome. Best of luck to you both. Alright, Katie, who's next? 

Katie: Next is a word from one of the podcast sponsors, and I believe we have time for one more listener question. 

Hal: The late shift will be right back.

Katie: Okay, you're clear. Hal, did you really just drop a shit in the box callback? 

Hal: I nearly jumped out of my chair when it popped into my head. Sometimes the universe just hands you one. 

Katie: Good job playing it cool. All we gotta do now is finish strong. And, wow, okay, the last caller is pre recorded, and we're even running early.

Give me a couple minutes to get it all queued up. 

Hal: Sure, yeah. Do your thing. There was some really good back and forth on that call. I was digging it. You ever think about doing your own show? 

Katie: I don't know, maybe. If I can think of something worth talking about for an hour a week. 

Hal: It's only 48 minutes when you factor in the ads.

Katie: Oh, well, that's entirely achievable. 

Hal: Can you, uh, can you please ping the intern for a cup of tea? 

Katie: Uh huh, sure. 

Hal: Little lemon, lot of honey. 

Katie: He knows how you take it.

Hal: The lips, the teeth, the tip of the tongue, the lips, the teeth, the tip of the tongue. 

Katie: Hal? 

Hal: Yeah? 

Katie: Ready in five. 

Hal: Great. fantastic. 

Katie: Think you'll like this one. It's kind of full on, but it's right in your wheelhouse. Proper BDSM stuff. 

Hal: Oh, thank god. Finally, something juicy. I'm really glad every straight married millennial couple has discovered polyamory at the same time, but my lord, I cannot keep fielding the same questions from people who have only read that one Guardian article after watching that one Netflix series and now need to know if it's Right for them.

My kingdom. For an earnest query about piss play. 

Katie: Probably only gonna get worse. I hear the new Bachelorette practices con non mon. It's been in all the teaser ads. 

Hal: What's? Oh. Clever. Very clever. 

Katie: Thank you. 

Hal: Good for her. 

Katie: Your tea's here. 

Hal: Great. 

Noah: Got your tea, Mr. Doctor. 

Hal: Mr. Doctor?

Noah: Sorry, um, Dr. Good Vibes. 

Hal: Hal is fine.

Noah: Hal, sorry, Hal. 

Hal: Just, uh, pop it down there. Thanks.

Did you...?

Noah: No, no, sorry. Sorry, no, thank you. Um, you're welcome. 

Hal: Okay, you didn't leave very many words for me, but thank you for the tea. 

Noah: You're, um, sorry. Okay. Bye. Bye. 

Hal: Bye. 

Wow. 

Katie: I think he thinks you're cute. 

Hal: Well, I think, I think he's 19. He's just confused by the voice. 

Katie: That's your audience. 

Hal: Yeah. No kidding.

Speaking of, ah, good. 

Katie: Okay. We're good to go here. You ready? 

Hal: Let's do it. 

Katie: Coming in off the bumper. 

Announcer: You are listening to The Late Shift with Dr. Good Vibes on the Jawbone Podcast Network. For ad free versions of The Late Shift and all your favorite shows, visit jawbonenetwork. com. And enter the code THROUPLE for a free one month trial.

Hal: Wow, really? 

Katie: Don't know what to tell you. 

Hal: The disembodied voice is correct. You are still listening to The Late Shift and I am still Dr. Good Vibes. Sadly, this week's episode is almost over, but we'll be back next week with more advice on sex, love, kink, and everything else that makes this life worth living.

Katie, tell me about our last patient. 

Katie: We've got a pre recorded question from Alana. She's 27, she her, relatively new to kink and S& M. Got some questions that she's hoping you can help with. Ready?

Doctor...? Hal? 

Hal: What? 

Katie: Should I roll it? 

Hal: Oh, uh, yeah. Sure. Go ahead. 

Alana: Uh, hi, Doctor. My name is Alana, and I have some questions for you about bondage and stuff like that. My boyfriend, we've been together for about two years now, has apparently always been interested in this stuff. So, he brought it up a little while ago and said he wanted to try it out.

We've been um, doing different things for a couple of months now. Trying out some stuff which we found online from porn and that kind of genre. He bought some equipment online. Nothing too crazy, apparently just the basics according to him. Anyway, I just was wondering if you could recommend any books or websites or maybe documentaries, I guess, about this that we could watch or that I could watch, just so I can get a bit of a better understanding of how this all works and um, what my, uh, what my boyfriend is hoping to get out of it.

I know it's not a new thing and there's a lot of literature on the subject. I just, I don't really know where to start to answer the particular questions that I have. It's just, I'm, I'm wondering if there's something I'm missing. I think at least I've heard that it's supposed to be fun for everyone involved.

But the way things are at the moment, it's just terrifying. It's not that I don't trust my boyfriend, and I know what a big deal it was for him to bring it to me. Um, and I know, I'm sure he wouldn't take it too far, but sometimes I look at him during, and it's like he's looking at a piece of meat waiting to be eaten.

He's excited. He really, really wants to hurt me. I talked to him about it, and he said that he was just caught up in the moment, which is fine, it's okay. It's new and it's unfamiliar. Sometimes stuff like that, that's new and unfamiliar can be a little scary, right? I want to know what I need to do to get this right, even enjoy it.

So anything you could do to help me would really be appreciated. So thank you.

Katie: Wow, Doctor, a pretty intense situation there. Do you have any advice for Alana and her boyfriend? 

Hal: Uh, uh, well Alana, you are in luck, I think, as this is a subject upon which I am particularly This is a subject on which I am partic I, uh, I have to use the facilities. 

Katie: Okay, can it? Okay, guess not. 

Hal: Come on... 

Katie: Hey.

Hal: How long have I been gone? 

Katie: Long enough that I sent someone to check all the bathrooms on the floor. What's going on? 

Hal: Just, uh, needed a smoke. Three smokes. Just needed three smokes. 

Katie: In the middle of a segment. 

Hal: Yes. 

Flavor Country was calling. I had to answer. 

Katie: You alright? 

Hal: Yeah, I'm fine. 

Katie: It's not really like you to get skeeved out by a call like that.

Hal: That is not what's happening. 

Katie: Right, yeah, you just love standing in the alley behind the building, basking in the combined smell of cigarette smoke, trash, and Wow, just so much urine! That's your scene. 

Hal: It is. Yes. 

Katie: Okay, fine. You wanna talk about it?

Hal: I do not. 

Katie: You wanna go back in and finish recording the show so I can go home and avoid paying overtime to the babysitter?

Hal: Wait, Rick charges you? Not just charges you, but charges you overtime if you're home late? 

Katie: It's about quality control. He was a shitty husband, and he's been a shitty father. If it's paid work, I can demand a minimum standard. Wow. Yeah, and since I have now chosen to share that juicy detail about my own private life with you, you can either spill right now, or get back inside and wrap the show.

Hal: Ah, it's nothing, really. Just ghosts. 

Katie: Yeah, not nearly juicy enough. Let's go. 

Hal: Alana is my ex's name. 

Katie: Okay. 

Hal: My first ex. From high school.

Don't look at me like that, I'm being serious. 

Katie: Wow. Wait, hold on, her name isn't even Alana, it's a nom de plume, like, with everyone we put on the show. 

Hal: Did she pick it? 

Katie: Well yeah, but it's not her actual name. I don't remember what it was, but she filled out the release form, and I always check they don't match, it's a coincidence.

Hal: Well yeah, no, I figured. Okay. 

Katie: If you send me a list of all your exes, I can set up a blacklist. Though I heard that wouldn't leave us many names to work with. 

Hal: Did you now? 

Katie: Well, I assumed. Wow, Mr. Sensitive. I wouldn't have expected this. 

Hal: Doctor Sensitive. Come on then.

Katie: So, she's the one who broke your heart and turned you into a freaky kink monster, huh? 

Hal: Something like that. 

Cold. 

Katie: Alright, you need me to play the tape again? 

Hal: Oh, I remember the specifics, thank you. 

Katie: Okay, mic's hot. Picking up from where we were.

Hal: Alana, great questions, and you are absolutely right to ask them. Of course, I'm glad to hear that you and your partner have taken an interest in the fine and storied arts of bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism. This is a subject on which I am particularly knowledgeable and passionate, so I hope you will forgive me for jumping on my soapbox for the next few minutes.

The judicious application of power dynamics, restraint, control, and even violence, with and only with prior consent and clear, agreed upon boundaries, can escalate existing dynamics to new heights of honesty, expression, and pleasure. That is BDSM at its core. However, The indulgences and intricacies of BDSM are absolutely not for the unprepared.

The thing is, there is a lot of misinformation, a lot of misrepresentation, and frankly, at least one absurdly popular cross media franchise that has done irrevocable harm to the zeitgeist surrounding this topic. Which means, the average couple approaches this particular practice knowing absolutely nothing, that isn't gleaned from someone else who knows absolutely nothing, That was gleaned from the work of an empty nester turned self published novelist who knows absolutely nothing.

And that is not ideal, nor is it conducive to healthy, safe exploration. So, rant over. Apologies. I've clearly got a lot of big feelings on this topic. But I am so happy that you reached out to learn more because that is so, so important with any kind of classically deviant sexual proclivity. For the longest time, it was way too easy to feel isolated, like you were getting it wrong or like you were somehow sick or weird for liking it in the first place.

I don't feel like I'm overstating when I say that community is the most critical part of modern kink. Community is what keeps you safe from being taken advantage of, of putting yourself or your partner in danger with unsafe practices. I'm going to be honest with you Alana, even coming from a seasoned practitioner, and without knowing the specifics.

The use of the word terrifying to describe one's experience with BDSM would give me pause. So with that as our starting point, I'm going to make a few recommendations. Katie is going to get in touch with you and get your address, or your preferred e book platform. And I'm going to send you a selection of books that I want you and your boyfriend to read before you even think of trying to revisit this.

If you want, even, I can recommend a professional near you who can give you both some education and mentorship in this space. If you're in a small town, you might have to travel. Sure. But I'm sure I can find something in your state, at least. Then you can both make an informed decision about whether participating this lifestyle is what you both want.

Given a human's natural tendency to downplay anything that may reflect poorly upon themselves, their partner, or their relationship as an entity, and your desire to not shame your partner for his interest in this area, I would guess that things have reached a point where they have become untenable, even if you don't want to say so.

Believe it or not, I understand your intentions. I do. But I promise you are not doing him any favors. Inexperience or ignorance is not an excuse for him putting you in a position where your safety or your feelings of safety are under attack. He needs to understand how you feel and where you are at. And until that happens, you have to stop.

Today. Now. This thing you are trying to do is like a rollercoaster. It can, and often will, feel dangerous, but, in all but the most absolutely extreme circumstances, and even then, never in a way that is unexpected should you ever actually be in danger. He and you, he, he, and you, might think that you know what you're doing, that you've gleaned enough of the tools, or the language, or the gist of it from online porn and 90s sitcoms and erotic thrillers that you understand the mechanics well enough in theory to put them into practice.

Hell. You might You might even think you trust your partner well enough to do the right thing, to instinctively understand your needs and limitations without having to specifically communicate them, therefore avoiding an awkward and very unsexy interaction, and that they will know and stop at the line when they see it.

You might want to believe That you can just walk into this world successfully and somehow walk out safe and satisfied, but I am telling you now that it is far more likely that someone is going to get hurt. Badly hurt. Statistically, that person is you. 

Katie: Hal? 

Hal: What? 

Katie: Hey, nothing. This is good stuff, especially the rollercoaster bit.

Let's just ease it back a little. It's coming across a little heated.

Hal: Sorry, do we need to, do we need to do it again? 

Katie: I think we're okay, just pull it back a scooch.

Hal: Alana, I need you to understand a few things here, so forgive me if it sounds harsh. I am going to, at your insistence, give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, and assume he is stupid, but not malicious, that he simply doesn't know what he doesn't know, which I find hard to believe in the internet age.

But, I'm going to share some truths with you that you can share with him, along with the literature we are going to send you, and that neither his inexperience nor yours is a good enough excuse to justify getting this wrong again from this point onward. A safe word is not a safe word if it is not heard and acted upon.

A boundary is not a boundary if it is crossed. An aftercare is not the act of patting someone's head while they cry because you crossed a line, or apologizing and begging forgiveness for doing so. Especially if you'll do it again next time. This is not a selfish thing. It won't work if you treat it as such.

You both need to understand, and you both need to know the other understands.

Katie's gonna put the rest in an email, as well as our inbound number. I want you to call us and tell us how you go, or if you need any further information or advice, and to let us know when everything turns up. Absolutely doesn't have to be on the podcast. I hope this helps. Katie, how we doing for time?

Katie: Right on the button. That just about does us for this week. 

Hal: Well, you heard the producer. Alana, thank you for sending us your question, and I hope we hear back from you soon. 

Katie: You're clear. Do you need a break before we do the outro? 

Hal: Definitely.

Katie: Hey, Psycho! 

Hal: Don't. 

Katie: I think you might have salvaged it by the end, depending on which editor we get. But you kinda let her have it in the middle there. I don't buy all this is just coming from your high school ex's name. Come on, spit. 

Hal: I really don't want to get into it. 

Katie: Hal? 

Hal: Fine. It's not just the name. 

Katie: Go on.

Hal: Do you know why I do this show, Katie? 

Katie: So strangers will call you daddy once a week? 

Hal: No, because I Because I can't live with the idea that these people might do something they regret simply because they don't know what they don't know. Because it is impossible to communicate to someone, even someone who you deeply care about, what you aren't even sure about yourself.

And because when you don't know anything, you can't know what you're getting wrong. Because if they are made, because if they are made to feel like a freak, they might behave like one and they might hurt themselves or someone else. 

Katie: That seems a little dramatic. 

Hal: Probably. 

Katie: You okay? 

Hal: I'll be fine. All right, let's get back to it.

What's next? 

Katie: You want to do the outro? 

Hal: Hmm. 

Katie: Two minutes. 

Hal: Uh huh.

Just for my edification, what was Alana's actual name, from the form? 

Katie: One second.

It was Ruby Amal. See? Nothing to worry about. Hal? Are you alright? Why are you so pale? 

Hal: Uh, it's uh, it's nothing. Uh, just a coincidence. 

You were right. 

Katie: You sure? 

Hal: Mm hmm. Let's outro. Let's do an outro. 

Katie: Okay, well. Mic is live. Three. Two.

Next time, on Dr. Good Vibes. 

Hal: You heard anything from that girl? 

Katie: Alana? 

Hal: Yes. 

Katie: Nothing yet, but it's only been a week since the show dropped. I'm sure she'll be in touch. Hal, there's gotta be something more than just a similar story. What is it that's got you so convinced that this girl has come back to haunt you?

Hal: When I said that Alana's story was familiar, I kind of understated the similarities. 

Dr. Good Vibes is a Neon Diner production. Written, produced, and directed by Richard P. Doyle. Editing and sound design by Ramon Samson. It features the vocal talents of Richard P. Doyle, Rachel Slee, Jonah Maronen, Kate Ingram, Dash Kruck.

Full credits can be found in the show notes. Dr. Good Vibes is available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So please subscribe to ensure you never miss an episode.